Be Still
by youdontevenknowyo
Summary: Loosely based on Be Still by The Fray. Josie and Lady Inquisitor Lavellan.
The travel had been horrific. The rain fell sideways, hitting like ice on the strips of numbed skin that wasn't covered by armor; the path they attempted to travel had been reduced to a thick coating of mud that sucked heavy metal boots inches deep and fought to keep them submerged. Eleri expended more energy than she had pulling her feet out of the gunk. Pockets of bandits, stragglers from the horde they just dispatched of, tormented the party as they headed back for Skyhold. Their numbers seemed to never completely deplete. The party was ragged, exhausted, and injured. A couple weak bandits had become a far more serious battle than it normal would be. All of this on top of the disaster Therinfal Redoubt turned out to be. Over a week ago, the council had urged Eleri to send Bull and his chargers. They insisted that the fortress was indeed an asset but one that did not need the Inquisitor's personal attention. Eleri refused to listen. She needed to see for herself; and more than that, Cassandra needed to see it, needed to know that her order and the Templars betrayed what they once stood for. Eleri needed to give that to her friend.

Travel to the fortress was not miserable. The weather was pleasant, chilly but still mild for the area at this time of year, and they ran into little resistance. A rift here and there that was easily closed, local wildlife that thought the party an easy meal. It wasn't until they were two days out from Therinfal Redoubt that their luck turned for the worse. A storm moved in from the north, bringing cold air. Once inside, the party found out the hard way, a long gash through Eleri's armor and across her collarbone from a surprise trigger-blade that didn't decapitate her thanks only to a strong hand yanking her back by the collar of her armor, that almost every inch of Therinfal Redoubt was booby-trapped. At least every inch that wasn't taken over by bandits. Resilient, tough berserker bandits that wouldn't stay down regardless of what Eleri, Cassandra, Dorian, and Bull threw at them. That was five days ago. Cassandra had sent a bird back to Skyhold with a report of their situation before entering Redoubt but they had received nothing back. It's possible the bird never made it, shot down by bandits either on its way to Skyhold or back to them. Eleri almost wished for the former. In the event the bird didn't make it to Skyhold than at least Josie would not be overly worried with the details. As it were, they were days late in returning and the sound of Josie's heels clicking a path to one side of her desk and back again echoed in Eleri's ears. The Antivan did not need to know the extent of their bad luck. Her imagination would run wild with the outcome of the Inquisition party being outnumbered ten to one within those walls, the ratio Dorian's joked estimate put together that was close to accurate. Eleri couldn't remember but she thought Cassandra had added that in, she remembered some conversation about their odds. It was blurry. Everything immediately before, during, and after Therinfal Redoubt was.

Eleri limped along the path with the battle flashing to life every so often behind her eyes; her ribs screamed, her anchored hand ached, her neck was stiff. A sharp knife-like pain drove into her ankle and the pain lanced up her leg into her hip and along her side with each step courtesy from the wall a bandit-mage collapsed on her. She had tried to dive out of the way but it caught her waist down, clipping her midair and pinning her to the ground. Bull tried to stop her from returning to the fight after lifting the rubble but she glared at him before running, as best she could, back into the fray; just as she had glared at his attempt to carry her from the fortress once the battle was done. The kindness was appreciated but the massive Qunari babied her. It needed to stop.

Eleri stopped to watch her companions ahead of her. The breath in her lungs was struggling to move in and out. A slight break to better analyze her companions' health was her excuse to rest a moment. They all nursed injuries of their own as they walked. Cassandra's arm was in a makeshift sling, a long and jagged cut bridged the ledge between her jaw and throat; inches from being a fatal blow. Dorian stumbled along by Bull's quiet directions. He had received a pommel to the back of the head, his magic escaping him and leaving him without what little healing powers he had. Those abilities would have made their trek much more manageable after having used all their potions during the unexpectedly brutal battle. Bull fared the best in the battle but his skin was littered with gashes and scrapes. His eye patch had been knocked loose and lost on the battlefield. Eleri avoided looking into the empty socket the few times he tried talking with her. She mumbled apologize each time as she limped away from him. She couldn't place why she was distancing herself from him. She was distancing herself from everyone if she was being honest with herself.

Cassandra turned, sensing her absence. "Do you need a break, Herald?" She began to walk back and Eleri tried to shake her head. Pain flared into the base of her skull, forcing her to squeeze her eyes shut against it. When she opened them, Cassandra was only a few steps away. A concerned look on her face. "We are already late. No sense pushing ourselves if we require rest."

"I would rather be home if it is all the same to you." Eleri gave a tired smile. It was difficult in her current state. The stretch of her lips cracked the newly scabbed cut down her lips toward the middle of her chin, disrupting the vallaslin roots. She winced before a humorless laugh tumbled out. What a mess they were in.

"And I'd rather have a functioning herald." Bull and Dorian had stopped as well as this point. The Qunari was holding up their dazed friend and looking back to gauge what was going on. "There should be an Inquisition camp somewhere close. We are only days from Skyhold if I am correct as to our location. We should scout the area."

"Or, we could be nowhere near an Inquisition camp and it would be a waste of energy. Energy none of us have to spare." Cassandra narrowed her eyes, turning them out to scan their surroundings. Eleri hated being pessimistic but it was a rational counter. She sighed. The pain was dragging her down both in body and mind. An annoyance that had been piggybacking her leader moments lately was beginning to throb against her temple. She bit down another sigh. "But, this is not a decision I plan to make myself. Let's go ask the others."

The two women walked in silence back to their other companions. Bull had sat Dorian down, a hand resting on his shoulder as the mage drank some water. He lowered the flask, turning his unfocused eyes to Eleri. Bull followed.

"Cassandra thinks there should be a camp somewhere nearby and we should scout the area for it. I'm in favor of continuing in the direction of Skyhold. What about you two?"

Cassandra scoffed at the informality in which Eleri addressed the subject. She urged the young elf to hold herself with more authority but Eleri felt it was too much of a mask with her companions. She viewed these people as her equals, friends. Not to mention, they all outranked her when it came to years of experience in life as well as on the battle field. The only thing she held over them was a magic anchor that was killing her from the inside out. It didn't seem like something that should hold any weight; and right now, it was _aching_ , draining the energy from her. The desire to be formal slipping away with each painful pulse.

Bull gave a short grunt as he thought, scratching his jaw and looking around. Dorian merely blinked slowly a few times, obviously trying to clear his head. They sat in silence longer than Eleri expected to. She could feel the seconds pass by, counted off with a giant, collective throb of her injuries. She gritted her teeth, unsure where the flare of anger was coming from but knowing it wasn't going to help the situation. Her anchored hand pulsed with each throb of her new headache. Air was dragged through Eleri's nose then pumped back out as she dealt with her surge of anger. Dorian was unable to weigh in and Bull was taking his time. There was nothing she could do about it. Eleri shifted her weight as her good leg began to tire. It was too much. The exercises Josie taught her to keep calm with infuriatingly slow nobles were beginning to lose their effectiveness. She needed an answer and if Bull didn't give her one…she wasn't sure. Right as she was about to snap, Bull answered.

"I don't think we're able to risk the energy spent scouting. I'm with boss." He shrugged apologetically at Cassandra. "Camp sounds great and we need to get him," he nodded toward Dorian, "to a healer quick but if we don't find a camp, things could get bad."

"I see your point." Cassandra allowed. Eleri could feel the disagreement wanting to burst from the seeker but it never came. Josie must have taught her the exercises too. Or, it was from years of being Nevarran royalty. Probably both knowing Cassandra. The seeker gave a quick nod then started up the path again without waiting for the others. Her shoulders were set rigidly and Eleri could see the tight grip one hand had on her sword pommel by her side. This trip was getting to all of them. The tension was palpable. Bull shrugged again, this time at Eleri, before hoisting Dorian to his feet with hands under his armpits. He murmured gently, "Come on, Vint. Up and at 'em."

Four days through Hinterland foothills nowhere near civilization. Three days through the frigid Frostback Mountains. Seven days of harsher travel, worse weather, and, in the circumstances of their health, more difficult enemies. There was no time for the injuries to rest, no time for the exhaustion to ebb the slightest bit. There was only cold, pain, and a faint hopelessness that Eleri spent her minutes pushing to the back of her mind. The only hope there was, was that their path was now familiar. Skyhold was within reach. They just needed the strength to reach for it. Eleri knew they were entering Leliana's scouted area. She had been shown the signs of it early in their residency at Skyhold. Discreet scratches high in the tall pines, small rock formations along the path that would seem random if you weren't looking for them, and the many crows and ravens that perched in the trees; Leliana's trademark. The nightingale kept a one day's buffer between her scouts and the Inquisition's home. It was only a matter of time before help showed up.

And show up it did, right in the nick of time. A pack of wolves, who have been following the group for at least a day now by Eleri's guess, had decided to make a move that the party was not strong enough to withstand. A fact the wolves knew on instinct. Bull created a wall between the animals and Dorian, still without his magic, as Cassandra brandished her sword with her good hand while Eleri kept her back against Dorian's to protect his other side. She knew she was not quick enough to be much of a threat, not against a pack of wolves. Two or three would have been manageable for them but a pack? The seven Eleri could see and the few she assumed hung back? No chance.

She watched the wolf in front of her pace before crouching to pounce; her fingers grinding into the hilt of her weapons as she readied herself to react. The dagger and axe felt heavy and her arms felt as if they were made of stone. Her breath caught in her chest as she shifted a foot back to meet the wolf mid-way. Right as her legs flexed to send her forward, a twang and snap sounded. Then, the wolf was jolted to the side. Eleri watched it land with a thud; an arrow sticking out of its side and red staining the snow under its limp body. Her eyes began to wander toward the arrow's direction but another wolf caught her attention as it snarled from her left. But arrows rained around them and Inquisition-eye clad soldiers converged on the group surrounded by wolves. Few of the animals managed to escape. The unlucky ones were loaded onto a cart; their pelts and meat a constant necessity.

One archer parted from the group and jogged toward them. A blur separating from the larger hazy mass. Eleri blinked to clear her vision as Leliana stepped in front of her, hands solid as they fell to Eleri's shoulder to steady her swaying. "Easy, Inquisitor." Her blue eyes bled concern but Eleri couldn't focus. Her survival instinct was shrinking from the forefront of her being now that she was safe. The exhaustion and pain took over completely. "A certain ambassador I know will kill me if I let you die this close to home. Come."

Eleri woke up fitfully throughout the undiscernible hours she slept. She was unaware of the time, if it was day or night. A warm hand in hers and murmured Antivan were the only things she was sure of. Otherwise, it was flashes of metal, blood, and war cries mixed into pain. When consciousness firmly found her, it was dark outside her quarters. There was no hand in hers, no whispered language she didn't understand but found comfort in nonetheless. She pushed herself up, gasping as pain flared. Her ribs, back, legs, and neck screamed at once at her every move. The walk across her room, down the stairs, and toward Josie's office was difficult but Eleri gritted her teeth and pushed on. She needed her love. More than pain-relief, more than rest, more than anything else, Eleri needed Josie.

The office was empty. Josie's room was empty.

Eleri leaned on the door frame of the bedroom, sucking in air to calm her body, and thought hard. Where else in Skyhold would Josie be? She was in her office most. If not there, attending some order of business somewhere around the hold but it was night; she shouldn't be in any of those places. There was no social work for her to do. If she wasn't working, late at night, Josie was in her room; or more recently, in Eleri's. Both places were Josie-less.

Eleri granted that she could be with Leliana but doubted it. Leliana would be attending to Therinfal Redoubt and sending scouts to scour it for any useful secrets or supplies left behind. A possibility came to Eleri as the memory of the last time she spent with the spymaster and ambassador came to mind. She pushed off from the frame and headed for the gardens. Josie had arranged tea for her friend and lover a week before Eleri left for Therinfal Redoubt. It had gone well but work called Leliana away before her tea had cooled, leaving behind a pouting Josie. Eleri had stood, pulled Josie up with her then led her to the gazebo they often spent time in during the day to share a few private moments together away from the chaos of Skyhold. It had cheered Josie up then and Eleri hoped to find her there now. If not there, she had no idea where else to look.

The night air was pleasant, a slight chill that cooled Eleri's heated skin, as she stepped out into the night. She stopped once fully in the courtyard to take a deep breath; with eyes closed, she picked up a faint sniffle. Her labored steps took her to the gazebo where she found Josie with shaking shoulders and her face shielded with her hands. Eleri would have made it to the woman without being noticed if her foot hadn't tipped the last step up. She cursed and stumbled, as Josie's eyes shot up. Eleri bit her lip against the new pain but quickly forgot it as she watched Josie hurriedly wipe tears from her face.

" _Amor_ , you're awake." She stood, hugging herself, but made no move toward Eleri. Her voice was strained; thick and clumsy from her tears. "You shouldn't be out of bed."

"I know but you weren't there." Eleri answered. She swallowed her pain and moved closer to her lover. She lifted her hand but stopped short. Her fingertips grazed Josie's elbow as they fell back to her side. "What's wrong?"

The moon was bright and full giving plenty of light to see the tears pooling once more in Josie's brown eyes. Eleri didn't stop herself again as her hands reached up to cup Josie's cheeks and run her thumbs along her cheekbones to catch the drops that escaped. The gesture brought her closer. She looked the short distance up into Josie's eyes. It seemed to only make things worse. The tears fell freely and her shoulders shook more forcefully, choked back sobs not cooperating. "Don't cry, please. Be still and know that I'm with you, I am here."

A nod was Eleri's only answer. Then, Josie's arms untangled from her own body to cling to the elf as her head found the crook Eleri's neck.

"I thought I lost you." The words were muffled but Skyhold was silent, the dead of night, and Eleri had no trouble making out the words. Goosebumps erupted along her neck as Josie's lips moved against skin and her breath from the words reminded Eleri of a forgotten comfort. "Leliana's scouts brought you in unconscious and you looked _dead_. There was blood and bruising; you were so pale. I can't lose you, _amor_. I cannot. The thought alone terrifies me to the point that I can't do my job, not even poorly. It paralyzes me."

Eleri sighed. Of course, Josie would place the most emphasis on her work. Of course, she would be ashamed that something would cause her to neglect her duties. The admission both warmed and broke Eleri's heart. She let loose a whisper, almost a prayer, "Oh, Josie."

"I do not sleep when you are gone. Nightmares of what you could be going through plague me whenever my eyes close. At first it was manageable, I slept enough but now I do not need to even be asleep for the images to come. I no longer try."

"I will always come home to you. I have managed it this far, haven't I?" Eleri rested her cheek on the top of Josie's head. "And I will continue to do so. I am surrounded by the best warriors, rogues, mages, _healers_ in all of Thedas. I have Leliana's scouts watching me as I sleep. Cullen's men around me as I fight. Unless by some stupid mistake on my part, no one will _let_ me die. The next time you can't sleep, _vhenan_ , remember my words. Be still and know." Eleri pressed a kiss to Josie's temple, letting her lips linger and her eyes squeeze shut. Her chest tightened knowing that the woman she loved was so torn apart. She had known that Josie worried, the Antivan told her so countless times but Eleri had no idea it was to this extent.

The next admission of fear came softer, voice broken and shaking. "What if you go to fight Corypheus, and shadows fall and morning never comes to be? What if we fail?" Eleri had no answer to those questions. She asked herself them often but there was no answer. Luckily, Josie continued to talk. "If we fail, I lose everyone I have ever hold dear to me. I will forget which way to go and lose who I am, where I've come from. My life for many years, the years that shaped me, were spent with Leliana. My family would not survive, no family could. And you…" She trailed off, drawing in a breath before continuing, "There would be no one standing beside me should we—"

"I am beside you now." Eleri cut her off. What-if's would drive her insane if Josie insisted on focusing on them. Pale fingers hooked under Josie's chin to pull her face up so Eleri could look her in the eyes. "Your family is safe. Leliana will never be defeated." Eleri grinned as she went on. "She's the most formidable, terrifying woman I've ever met, and I've seen Cassandra with a sword when angry." A watery smile lifted the corners of Josie's lips and Eleri leaned in to kiss her, relieved to see it. "Still your thoughts, Jo. It will not help anyone to ask what-if. It will only hurt you. I can protect you from everything except for what's up here." Eleri tipped onto her toes to press a kiss to Josie's forehead. She swallowed the groan that threatened to invade their moment but her vision swam with the pain that sank into every nerve with the exertion.

"Let's go to bed, _vhenan_. I am tired and want to sleep with your arms around me. It sounds as if we could both use a good night's sleep."

Eleri turned to move in the direction of her quarters but her body rebelled against it. Her jaw clenched against her immediate reaction to the pain: screaming. The noise died in her throat as a high pitch groan. Josie raised a concerned eyebrow as her arms circled Eleri's waist to hold most of the elf's weight as her legs wobbled underneath her.

"Eleri, I do not think I can carry you back to your room."

"I'll be fine, Jo. Jus-just give me a second." Eleri cursed her condition right after she had soothed most of Josie's fears. This wasn't helping. But, she couldn't stop the way her vision swam or the hot knives burying themselves along her various injuries.

"Good thing you are not alone then, Josie." Eleri felt Josie jump at the unexpected voice but she quickly relaxed as Leliana walked toward them.

"How did you know we were out here?"

"Do you really think I would let you sit outside, alone in the middle of the night? An agent told me when you left Eleri's room. I've been keeping an eye on you since." Eleri was struggling to keep up with the conversation; physically staying up was taking too much of her concentration. "Come now, Josie. You can be angry with me later. Now, let's get your love back to her bed so she can rest."

Another pair of arms slipped around Eleri's waist. They repositioned her, an arm slung around both women's shoulder as they mostly carried her to her bed. Eleri attempted to walk with them but her steps were clumsily and the majority of them skidded across the floor. The stairs were torture. Each step was agony even with the help. Eleri bit her lip against the whimpers but Josie's reassuring whispers in her ear told her she wasn't successful in hiding them. Finally, _finally_ there was a soft mattress under her and soft blankets being pulled around her. A hand squeezed her shoulder as a decidedly different person leaned over to kiss her temple. She murmured a thanks to Leliana as she felt the hand slip away and the lips made contact, flooding her coherent senses with Josie. It was clear to everyone present that Eleri had pushed herself too hard, too soon. She made a sloppy mental note to delegate any incoming missions to the war table for the foreseeable future. Eleri's mind began to drift with thoughts of missions and citizens of Thedas, war table conversations.

"Remember what she said, Jo." The sentence tugged Eleri back to reality and she struggled to remain awake and focused to hear Leliana's words. "I doubt there is much that would keep that elf away from you for too long. We are all fighting to keep her safe and I am fighting to return her to you; you deserve it. Do not focus on her injuries. They seem serious but she will heal. Be still and know."

There was a huff, the rustle of fabric then the bed dipped beside Eleri. She felt tentative hands on her side then a kiss to her cheek. She wanted to say something, anything but exhaustion and pain were taking over. She had no control. But, Leliana had said it all for her. Somehow that woman always knew. It would have to be enough until morning. Then Eleri would tell Josie all over again. As many times as she needed to hear it. Tonight, she simply threaded her fingers clumsily with Josie's.


End file.
